Thursday, April 28, 2011

FUCK-YOU-KEN!




Well, here it goes, my first post on this blog. I said I would eventually make a post about Street Fighter, and now seems like the perfect time to do it. Way too much Swords-and-Sorcery kind of fantasy going on around here, and not enough Feng-Shui kind of fantasy. You know what I’m talking about. HA-DOU-KEN!, that’s what. Before I get into the meat of the thing, I want to say that the main focus of this article will be on Street Fighter IV. Sorry, I ain’t acquainted with the parry system. Henceforth, every time Street Fighter is written in this article, replace it with Street Fighter IV (sorry, my legal writing has gotten a bit rusty since Shadowloo fired me from their unpaid intern position.)

Anyways, to put it simply, Street Fighter is a strategy game wherein two players control an avatar in a two-dimensional plane. Each selectable avatar has a set of multiple options for attack/defense that are unique to the avatar itself. These individual differences mean that each avatar must play with a different strategy against every other avatar. For example: A player who chooses “Ken” can win with fireballs, but using that strategy, cannot win against “Ryu”, whose fireballs are slightly faster. Sounds simple, but for me, it’s been a lifelong learning process. Here’s the concise timeline:

As a child, I always chose Ryu. Why? Because fuck Ken! Not only was my rival about six feet tall in the second grade, he knew how to do a dragon punch! My simple mind couldn’t comprehend the difference between DOWN-RIGHT-FIERCE and CHEAP!





Fast-forward to middle school. New places, new friends. Being raped by Ken taught me a few things. I laughed like Sagat every time I showed Zach his place.







Blur into college. WTF Zach, my new(old) rival (read:punching bag) somehow can beat me at 3rd strike? Must be the Asians.

Canfield haha I didn’t even know what a tech throw was.

And then I came here, the Land of the Dojos(aka smoke-filled arcades). One dollar at a time I attempted to beat these masters, only to realize I was nothing. Neither the length of my beard nor the height of the mountains from whence I came made any difference. I still lost to the subtly changed Hadouken-Hadouken-Shoryuken! strategy from before. Then I got mad. Psycho Science is the best science...





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4 comments:

  1. Ryu is a bitch, and so is everyone who plays as him.

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  2. I used to pronounce Guile as "GWIH-lee."

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  3. I went to an arcade today. Lost 10 3s matches in a row. Then I left and ate a burrito. All facts.

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  4. ^^^^^^^^^^^^Maybe that's why you're sick now. Hah.

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